theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
