His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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