Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Randomize
