She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
