Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Randomize
