I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
