i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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