I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
