I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
