every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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