FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
