Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
