Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize