someone get that fucking seahorse.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
