1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
