I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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