Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
