Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Dicks are not precious.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
