we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
