i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
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