Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
