made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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