i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
