woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
