I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
