new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
