bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
