just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
