it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
