Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
