Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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