I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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