R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Green mimosas i think yes
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
