i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
