so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
