just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
