just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
