YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
The Olympian is in my bed
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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