i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
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