the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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