Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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