she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
