It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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