god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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