I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
