I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
