dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
