Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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