What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
