And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
