I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
