Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
