so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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